Proving that I am not a phony

Growing from daughter to mother is a very difficult process.  My mother was so controlling that she told me every step I could take and when.  She held me tight in her grasp and advised me without asking me to create the future for myself.  I had a vision, but it was always tainted by what my mom would think about it.  So I never dared to create it for myself.

Adults were people to be feared.  I felt I had to bow down to authority figures and wait until they told me it was ok to move forward.  I needed constant guidance and validation that I was ok and not stepping on toes.  When things did not go right, I blamed myself to the point that I thought the core of myself was bad.  I hoped that everyone would see just how much effort and emotion I put into my work and that it would validate me, perhaps give me some empathy.  My managers did see that I worked harder than most, that I truly cared about what I gave, but that my emotional imbalance was my undoing.  They urged me not to worry about circumstances or people, but just to do what was necessary:  meet quota, get sales. 

I would always start strong in my jobs with lots of energy and a passion to be the best.  I hoped and prayed that this job would be different from the others, but it wasn’t.  I repeated the same cycle, meaning once a big change or obstacle would interrupt the course of my success, the entire process/success would quickly fade away.  I couldn’t adjust and look inside for adult guidance.  I was angry at my boss or company or market or the core of who I was that I just couldn’t take the new set of circumstances and make something great of it.  My mom wasn’t there to console me or tell me who I was, so I needed someone (adult) to hold my hand and do it with me.  I was so insecure and ashamed of myself like I was this big phony who promised great returns and all they get is a whiny girl. 

I am feel stronger.. I know the lesson now, but need to keep my discipline.  I need to set my daily goals and achieve them.  Only then can I trust my inner adult to guide me and stay focused on the task at hand. Today I am doing that.    Trusting yourself is sometimes harder than trusting anyone else. 


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