Growing from daughter to mother is a very difficult process. My mother was so controlling that she told me every step I could take and when. She held me tight in her grasp and advised me without asking me to create the future for myself. I had a vision, but it was always tainted by what my mom would think about it. So I never dared to create it for myself.
Adults were people to be feared. I felt I had to bow down to authority figures and wait until they told me it was ok to move forward. I needed constant guidance and validation that I was ok and not stepping on toes. When things did not go right, I blamed myself to the point that I thought the core of myself was bad. I hoped that everyone would see just how much effort and emotion I put into my work and that it would validate me, perhaps give me some empathy. My managers did see that I worked harder than most, that I truly cared about what I gave, but that my emotional imbalance was my undoing. They urged me not to worry about circumstances or people, but just to do what was necessary: meet quota, get sales.
I would always start strong in my jobs with lots of energy and a passion to be the best. I hoped and prayed that this job would be different from the others, but it wasn’t. I repeated the same cycle, meaning once a big change or obstacle would interrupt the course of my success, the entire process/success would quickly fade away. I couldn’t adjust and look inside for adult guidance. I was angry at my boss or company or market or the core of who I was that I just couldn’t take the new set of circumstances and make something great of it. My mom wasn’t there to console me or tell me who I was, so I needed someone (adult) to hold my hand and do it with me. I was so insecure and ashamed of myself like I was this big phony who promised great returns and all they get is a whiny girl.
I am feel stronger.. I know the lesson now, but need to keep my discipline. I need to set my daily goals and achieve them. Only then can I trust my inner adult to guide me and stay focused on the task at hand. Today I am doing that. Trusting yourself is sometimes harder than trusting anyone else.