I have been lying to you all since I have started this blog. My intentions for this blog were to provide meaningful insight into life as I transform my life. I have been afraid to be real and let you my readers know exactly what is going on with me. I was afraid to let the world, including potential (future) professional colleagues who might come across my blog know about this difficult time in my life where I have struggled day-in and day-out to maintain some normal sense of functionality. I wanted to be seen as someone who can provide some motivation or inspiration in this crazy world we live in today. I wanted to be a light in the grey. The truth is I have been hiding and afraid to let people see my feelings, including what it is like to ascend to a higher vibration.
Seriously, do not tell my 4-year-old daughter, but her mother is “Elsa” from Frozen. I supposed I’ve reached the point where I am now singing, “Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore.Let it go, let it go! Turn away and slam the door. I don’t care what they’re going to say. Let the storm rage on.” I have come to terms with the fact that people are going to think what they will think. They will judge me. They will love me or hate me, but most of all, it is only me that matters what I think. Cliché, right? Isn’t this what we preach? As cliché as it sounds, it won’t make sense until you can truly embrace it in your being. Well, here I am and here I’ll grow.
Like Elsa, I have always felt that I had special powers growing in my body, not ice, exactly, but a special understanding of something that is not of this world. I have always felt different and not like other ‘people.’ Ok, we can argue what is ‘other people,’ but I knew (know) that I have an ability to exist and live outside of our physical dimension. Since I was a small child, angels have been very important to me. I thought I saw ghosts when I was small. I have always been very spiritual and connected to Mary, Jesus and trusting that I would be saved by the ‘beings’ we cannot see. I have had dreams with premonitions and even visions that came true. I have healed friends using my hands, including taking away a sciatica,
which unfortunately, I then took on, but without any kind of training. I have had a knowing that I was ‘special,’ that I am meant to do something different in this world. (See Indigo children)
It hasn’t been until now that I am finally accepting these extra sensory/spiritual aspects of myself as ok and normal. My childhood was very difficult, meaning I was frequently bullied and humiliated by my family and school friends. I struggled to fit in and did whatever I could to fit in the “box” so I would be accepted. I was scared to embrace my intuitive abilities and to admit to others that I can talk to angels for fear of being further ostracized. Around my late teens my gifts started to blossom and I could feel my guides asking me to open further so that I could start on God’s work to help and heal others. The idea of possibly seeing angels or that Mother Mary would appear at my bed scared the living shit out of me and I pushed it away. More importantly, I just wanted to live my life like any other human in this world.
I have done my best to live my normal human life. I have been a corporate saleswoman working for large brands like Nike, Pricewaterhouse Coopers, LexisNexis and several others. I have won sales awards. I have gotten married and now have two awesome kids. I have played my role as matriarch to my dad and brothers after my mother’s death in 2003. I have done all that while trying to stay as stable and grounded as possible, not letting myself go too far off the beaten track spiritually. I have had good moments during these times, but mostly, I have been lonely and desperate to share the part of me that wants to help the world and serve God with my unused talents.
Today I know that I am closer than ever to using my gifts. The road to this point has been full of broken glass, nails, lightning, fires, death and any other painful obstacle one could put in front of me to get here. I have been ascending to a higher vibration where I no longer feel separate or different from the world around me, but completely one even with the things I cannot see. We will all ascend. Some people’s journeys will be easier than others. Some will have to walk through fire and transition quickly like I have. The last five years have been a hell storm. The last two total destruction.
2010, I lived in Miami. I was a new mother who couldn’t cope with her life anymore. It didn’t matter if I didn’t work anymore to pay the bills or put food in my baby’s mouth. I was being called to help the world spiritually, but I was too committed to my ‘earthly’ life with massive debt, a pregnancy, a baby, a chef working nights, a massive traveling job, rent and a rental property. I was starting to lose it. Most of all I was trapped. So, I ran to avoid all the commitments to start again in the Netherlands with my Dutch husband. It was the best “bad” choice we had and it has worked out.
Even though we have found some stability in the Netherlands, you cannot run forever. I finally hit the wall almost 2 years ago in September. It was a total burnout/total loss. Since then I have spent countless hours in bed, felt unimaginable pain, fire, cold chills floating throughout my body. Experienced days where I could not put my brain on the ground, as if I lived in another dimension and Earth at the same time. I have relived every painful moment of my life since I was a baby and reprocessed it. I have felt totally crazy and sane at the same time. I see therapists, take anti-depressant and anxiety medication, but nothing really helps-I am on a spiritual train that will stop when it is ready. Just when I think I have had a break another new lesson is on the way. It is a lot like being pregnant, I am pregnant with a new me(the real me), and no matter what I am going to give birth to that me with or without help. The only difference is there aren’t a lot of “doctors” who can guide me. I am on this trip alone, but fortunately with a few understanding people in my life now who will listen despite their lack of comprehension of what is going on.
In the Netherlands burnouts, mental breakdowns, are a common occurrance. Fortunately, I have been able to receive disability benefits in my time off. Most are able to recover within 6 months to a year, but my experience has been more than a typical work burnout. It took me a while to understand that my “burnout” was a spiritual process called Ascension. (To learn more see: ascension definition) I was too grounded/skeptical to accept that this is my process. People need to know that this exists! We will all be forced to evolve, some willingly, some through painful exercises. I suppose that if I had embraced my gifts earlier in life, my process might have been eased, but instead, I have had to suffer and scourge all the trauma from my body and mind.
This blog entry today is my final surrender to my process. I give up. I will stop believing that I can control it or think that there is anything I can do to stop it. Everday I wish that it would just end and somedays I think it has just to have the next day be another emotional/spiritual rollercoaster. I am not a patient person, but this trial has taught me to just be and to finally trust that I AM and IT JUST IS! Control is an illusion that does not work in this process. Cliché, but let be and let God is the only way through.
How far am I? Am I almost finished? I think so. My guides tell me that I am more than halfway through. They assure me that I will have peace soon and I am at the final forgiveness phase. I have accepted that I will never be the same person I was before. From this point on I am a light being enshrouded in a human shell. I trust that God will bring me to the peace he has promised and that I will be able to help those going through something similar. Everyday is different and I embrace what I have around me. I am a better person because of this spiritual transition, even though I still struggle to remember that on difficult days.