Many years ago, I was searching for my true self. I felt that I had a knowing of who I was. I thought I had a special relationship with God. I prayed regularly, went to church, and built a private relationship with Him. God was all that I had when I was a child and I was scared. I relied on His warmth and my prayers to pull me through. I promised God that if He could get me through the pain I was in, I would do whatever was needed to help and serve Him.
To be honest, I was scared to death to give myself over to God just so I could be removed from the difficult life I was living. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to do that, but I had promised. I had an inner knowing that serving God was probably a lot better and happier than a life without Him, so I went along with it. I always wondered when He would come knocking. I suppose that’s where you come in.
As a catholic girl, I learned about saints who were tortured by their love for Jesus; who went through excruciating trials just to understand Jesus and his love. I learned about saints who experienced dark nights and miracles where they apparently levitated off the ground. All of this seemed bizarre and fanatic until I met you two years ago.
At that point in time I was not on a spiritual search, no, I was only trying to stabilize my life and get it going. Yet, here you came like a tsunami taking over my family and me. I hadn’t asked for you to come, but you came anyway. I felt scared, tortured, crazy, and unable to control anything in or outside of me. I desperately wanted healing, but it didn’t come. I only received, “Do not resist. Give up control.” I gave up all my ego states for you. I believed I would be healed. I prayed and prayed that it would end, but then it slowed down about 6 months ago. I felt I was near completion.
Still, I hear, “Stop resisting.”
“Resisting?! What am I resisting?! I thought I was going the way of God!”
Apparently not. Apparently, I am to forgive you. I have forgiven everyone else, but you. Kundalini, you are a life force that drives universal consciousness. You help us all to see what we truly are made of. You help us to heal ourselves, mend our wounds, and become one with all that there is. I understand now, that I have earned this honor, that I really am not sure I am worthy of, or want still. But here I am. You did not make me crazy. I did not lose it. I finally came back to the ground.
I realize my ego is holding a huge grudge against you. You are God calling me to service. I am in a state of shock that I have been asked to begin with. “Me?! Seriously, come on! What do I have to give?” The truth is, I don’t have to give anything, I just have to receive and be with you, God. That’s it. That’s all you are asking me to do. You will do the rest of the work as long as I just release my hold on being one with the ego. I will be cared for. I will have peace, but if I resist I will have pain.
The choice seems so simple, but it’s not really.
Just when I think I have walked the 10 miles I need to walk, you say, “Just a little more.” I say, “when is enough, enough?!” Kundalini, you’ve picked a very impatient woman to walk with. Do you really think you can tame me? So, now, I understand, I need to stop fighting you. I never thought I would have to depend on you for my happiness, but it does. Living with you is like searching for the holy grail-there are so many boobie traps! One misstep and OUCH! Luckily, you are forgiving. You are far more patient than me.
Time and time again, I give in to you. I find myself giving up just a little more. I become a little more detached from the person I used to be as I grow into a spiritual being. I never really thought I’d be that, but that is what we all are. I just do not want the pain anymore.
I am sorry that I did not want you in my life. I am still angry about it, but I am willing to work through it and let it go. The truth is I am only a human being who has suffered a great deal. You are the opportunity I have waited for-to be free of pain and have complete peace. This is the kundalini peace offering. I promise to be more present and listen to my innerself. I give up ordering you around, because, like a stern mother, you know what’s best for me.
I expect you will have other work for me to do. I accept it with love and light. I now give up all anger and darkness and negativity that resist a loving relationship between us. I ask for the light of God to take it and fill the space with love. We are bonded together. I am to love you as I love myself. Teach me how.
Kate van Asselt