Love Doesn’t Save You

Whoa, holiday season is done!  Thank goodness!  It’s been a crazy fall.  I had to take a break on blogging to refocus on my personal goal of starting my business as a coach!  Yes, Coach Kate. My website 🙂  I was meant to be a coach!  As a soccer player I dreamed of being the coach instead of the midfielder.  So yes, I am now following my passion of becoming a coaching entrepreneur and helping others.

At the moment I am taking a course in Clean Language coaching.  It is a great tool that helps us to see the metaphorical landscape that we live in and reorganize our lives. I have taken only 5 classes, but the creative and problem solving opportunities using this methodology have greatly affected my life already.  I am certain that with my experience in the corporate world, life crises, and Clean Language I can drastically wake up others to live happy lives!  (At the moment, I am search for pilot clients, so contact me if you are interested!)

Spiritually, my life continues to open and transform.  Surrendering yourself to God is probably the scariest thing that any human can do.  We cannot see Him or touch Him, but still we are asked to “Let go, and let God.” Let me tell you! I know now what that means.  Surrendering doesn’t just mean, “Oh, I will give up my wine, or this luxury item.” NO! Full surrender means everything.  Your relationships, your food, your way of life, your thoughts.  If you can think it, give it up to God.

So why do we want to give everything up to God?  The promise of love.  The warm, red-lettered, bell-chimed sound of Love.  We would do anything for love.  Guess what? God is Love and Love is God! I was listening to Marianne Williamson‘s book A Return to Love (listen here).  It became so clear to me over the last weeks that I had strayed from God’s path.  I even experienced in my dreams the story of the prodigal daughter (versus son) who was led astray after spending her inheritance, but welcomed warmly back into the arms of the father without a grudge.  I was angry in my 20’s after my mom had died that God deserted me.  Only today do I realize that God never deserted me, I left him.

This last week, I let go of my anger towards God.  I accepted that I needed to go on my own path.  I needed to be human and come back to the “family.” What did I do in my 20’s? What was I looking for actually? I was in search of peace and security.  My world crumbled after my mom died and my aunt disowned us.  All the sense of security that I knew was gone.  I had no emotional support to help me through this period, except my husband.  My mother was the one relationship that I had counted on to save me, which I then transferred that reliance on my DH.

DH couldn’t manage it.  His parents were lovely people who didn’t know how to handle emotions.  They are muggles (Harry Potter reference!) who love to gawk at the free spirits, but only because they would love to be one and are afraid to take the risk.  So DH listened and listened.  He gave hug after hug.  He tried to make it as OK for me as possible, but didn’t have the emotional availability to handle it.  I still felt alone even as he held me.

What I needed was to be understood, to be saved emotionally.  I needed someone to take control of the reigns and lead me out of Zion.  Where was God in this?!  I didn’t hear him anymore.  So I called psychics.  I ate at expensive restaurants.  I tried to create a living space where I felt my mom would be proud.  I tried to recreate a safe place.  Obviously it did not work.  As mentioned in I’ve been Lying to You, this is the Real Me, I suffered the beginning of my nervous breakdown in 2010.  6 years later, I now get it (at least a little ;)).

My relationship with DH has been wonderful but really hard at times.  14 years is a long time, yet it flies by.  I remember meeting him for the first time.  DH was this very tall, dark haired lanky European that I met in college.  He was the very opposite of the very American, blonde, driven party girl that I was at the time.  He made me laugh.  He was brooding.  He was cynical, but he always listened.  He made me feel safe, especially when my dysfunctional family was falling apart.  I transferred my security from my mother and God to DH.

My relationship to God was always strong.  God was in some ways my imaginary friend.  I could count on Him when I was at my loneliest.  I downloadcelebrated with God when I was at my happiest.  I would dance in the farm fields near Athens, Ohio on cold nights
with college music blaring from my 1990 black Toyota Celica knowing that the universe was protecting me.  I felt that I was a blessed, loved child of God. I loved God and God loved me back.  I promised God that I would never reject him.  I would stay true.

DH was a “kinda” atheist.  Over the years we’ve had many discussions about what that means.  As a raised Catholic, I didn’t want to accept that my husband’s (non)religious beliefs would affect me.  They did.  The Di Vinci Code came out in the mid-2000’s.  Dan Brown questioned the Catholic Faith.  I too struggled with who Jesus was, and what was my relationship to God.  I was playing adult, with a mortgage, car payments, marriage, etc. at 26.  I thought I was in tune, but I was only in tune with the loss of my mother and the struggle of my marriage to a homesick Dutchman (which is in a lot of ways anti-American; “just be normal your crazy enough!”) All of the love and safety I felt in my relationship with God faded away as if I never had it.  I wasn’t able to manifest things in my life anymore except more fear.

At night I often have very deep dreams that exhaust me but contain great meaning.  At 5:30 a.m. this morning DH finally comes to bed after falling asleep on the couch.  At the same moment, I wake up from a dream about our relationship.  This dream has been recurring for several weeks now.  It finally hit me why.

Throughout our marriage, I co-depended on DH to love me and save me.  To give me the things I lacked in myself.  To be the dominant guiding light and sometimes bully that my mother was.  I also depended on him to be the loving warm being that God was to me for so long.  I was so blind.  I thought I was consciously aware and awake, but I was asleep.  He couldn’t give me the emotional connection that I craved for.  This is through no fault of his own.  What I asked for was too much for him to give.  I was asking him to love me more.  I was asking him to be my parent, my friend, my god and my lover.  What human can be that?

So I cried, a lot, this morning.  Then, I had realizations.  First, DH cannot save me and no one can.  Love cannot even save me.  Why? Because I am already love.  We are all human  expressions of love.  Each one of us was born from an act of love.  We are a true reflection of God’s love.  I save myself by accepting that I am a pure, unmitigated representation of God’s love.  Jesus died peacefully and without anger as a final testament for God’s love for us.  We are blind to the love that we all are.

Secondly, I realized that I only transferred my love of God to DH.  How can I ever be completely fulfilled by another human who is also struggling with his self-worth.  Only God is able to meet our expectations, not DH or any other man/woman.  My relationship with God was the light.  All was safe and trusted.  I am alone on my spiritual journey in my marriage.  Tough.  Even so, I’d like to thank DH for it.  He helped me to question my faith, separate myself from others and become whole.  He helped me, unwittingly, to go full circle.  The purpose of a life-partner is to reflect God’s love back to God and then to each other-creating the perfect circle.  That’s why marriage is spiritual and so important for our individheartual development.

I stand now, as I always have apparently, as a whole person, completely lovable.
I stand strong in knowing that I am love and the more I believe I am love-the more love I have to give.  Love is scary.  It asks us to trust.  When we live in fear and not in love, that’s a big ask!  Love doesn’t save us because we bring it into our lives.  No, we save us because we accept that we are love and choose to live life in a loving way.

 

-Kate van Asselt is a professional Life and Spiritual Coach focusing on professionals, entrepreneurs and spiritual seekers who want to light the inner fire within their daily lives, including at work.  After 13 years in the corporate world, Kate’s inner fire showed her that she really wanted to help others with their spiritual journey.  She started her company Awaken Your Transformation in 2015 to help people do  more than get through work, life and spiritual crises, but unite with their true selves.

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