The explosion in my heart happened sometime ago. I am not really sure when, but I live there now. In the dark aftermath of the destruction. Every day I see some light peaking though. Re growth and new birth show signs of promise. It’s all very hazy. For so long I haven’t seen the light. It’s all been a mess of blood and charcoal grey. Inner demons still taunted my small self-the real self who knows the truth, but is completely afraid of stirring up more should she let the light in.
I feel as if I am been brought to the shadowland. In Stranger Things, a Netflix program, a monster captures a boy and is living in a parallel universe. Everything is exactly the same, but it’s all dark and hazy with large wisps of dust floating about. The heroine is a 12 year old girl. I recognize myself in her. Wierd, outsider, magic powers. She can go where others can’t and defeat the monster.
I am also prepared to fight my monsters. I have slayed so many now. It’s become eerily quiet. One by one, each has been released to the light. The emptiness surrounding me beckoning me to come forth and enjoy the sunshine. So much warmth coming through. Nowadays I see more red then dark. My heart beats in hope of breaking the final pieces of solitude and exile. However, it is not me as a 36 year old who stands there, but a small child who’s light was diminished around the age of 4.
She suffers no more but instead knows what is hers. This girl is much older and wiser than she looks. She knows how to use energy to vanquish her enemies and how to bring in love. She lives in a pod, like an avocado. It has a green eye that is closed mostly, but when it opens she really sees. Mostly it is too much for her being open, vulnerable and present for what is actually happening. The burden of stress and trauma still weighing too much upon her heart. Yet she know she will open her heart’s eye, fully safe and protected.
Today the little girl is reaching out for safety in me. She’s reopened her eye again, accepting that it might be safe to come out. The monsters may have left for now. So many tears and so much pain pour out of my heart chakra. As a mother of my two kids, I am finding it difficult to be a present parent while my own inner child calls for so much attention.
I feel like I am living a dual life-clearing old debts, mending emotional fences while existing fully present as a mother. My own inner child feels like it cannot understand the freedom my children seem to experience at the same age. Still separation. Separation created by the egos of parents and adults who were well meaning but destructive to the magical girl who’s powers could dazzle anyone who passed by her.
I am healing now. Now I am letting go with hope. My avocado eye knows and sees the truth. It protects me as I walk now in the new light burning me clean. With each blink beginning to see and trust that the monsters have been burned away by the light. Each heartbeat protecting and nurturing the inherent gifts of my magical girl. Each beat clearing out the dust. Next living, but how?