Reentering society after a long sojourn is tricky at best. All my walls have been torn down, except for my insecurities. I know I am being recast as the REAL me, with wounds and baggage, but with all my beautiful parts. After leaving the working world almost 4 years ago, I am testing my strength, values and what I am capable of.
It’s not easy. Period. I put on a face 4 years before. Even a name–Corporate Kate. I restructured parts of my personality so I would fit in the tiny box they give you in the corporate world. Meanwhile I am this Goth Moth running around in a suit selling everything under the sun! I am not sure that people believe me. Actually, when they first meet me, they do, but suddenly I am as thin as crepe. But my heart is as deep as the Earth’s core. So deep and sensitive that when people realize what’s going on, I am deeply hurt because I got pushed out of the group.
Groups frighten the shit out of me. There are so many people. I never know which one person in the group will be trustworthy. Will they ask me to “dance?” What music do they listen to? What song is playing. It always seems so clear to others that I don’t know what I am doing–until recently. Everyone’s music is different and no one really knows in the beginning what’s playing.
My childhood family space was one of rejection and abandonment. I grew up in a narcissistic/co-dependent family. Not easy. Like attachment theory, we tend to stay with those whose patterns resemble your families. And, so, most of my social relationships have taken on that form, despite the fact that those who have rejected me, still like me in some way or another. I have taken too much space because I didn’t know the rules. I am slowly trying to break those patterns, but feel stuck. I see what I want and what I did, but like a scratched CD, it repeats anyway.
Now more than ever, I am going to stop playing by everyone else’s rules and define my own. I’ve noticed that this is a great way to go, if you are clear about what your rules are. It’s like raising children or dogs. If it’s inconsistent or lacks depth, people don’t seem to stay long. It’s not that I lack substance, it’s that I come off as needy, nervous and unclear about how I want to move forward.
This past week I had lost my car in an accident, received heavy trauma therapy, was sick with a severe flu, and an emotional breakdown due to my fears in my social circle. I couldn’t get out of bed due to sickness and whiplash. And when I could think, my mind went to my fears. It was like I was sitting in the middle of the ocean in a dingy when a small squall turned into hurricane forces. I was under the waves, tossed and turned, finally shipwrecked dizzily on shore.
I felt different after this, even stronger. Until today. It all came crashing down. I had an emotional breakdown, cried and let go. Starting a new business and reintegrating into new social situations after a complete loss of identity is probably the most frightening thing I have ever endured. I need to be stronger and surer of myself than I ever have. My lesson learned is to take my time. Write it out. Make a plan. If it doesn’t work, that’s ok. Not everyone will dance to my tune, but some will. Those who don’t understand will ultimately join in because I have become clearer or will fall to the wayside.
I have tried to please everyone and fit into anyone’s box who will accept me. I have ached for the loving embrace of a good friend. I have wanted to be sure that betrayal and abandonment weren’t on the menu. In these behaviors I am hiding my light. I have not accepted, but hope to accept that I will never be sure. It’s painful to not be certain, but it will be freeing. It’s an adventure and I’m in. In 2017, I will shine this light and share it with you. My successes and my missteps. I look forward to sharing this journey with my readers. Please like if you will be there with me 🙂